Half of the Year is gone

I’m home after a relatively long time. Usually, I’m back in two to three months. But this time, it’s been around eight, and man, a lot has changed back here. During my graduation, I also stayed away from home, but this time it feels different. A lot has changed in the people around me. I know it sounds super melodramatic. It’s so humid here—I mean, it’s always been like this—but I can truly feel the humidity this time. It’s July already. I don’t even know how the last six months went by so fast. Weird.

Weird is the right word for it. Because when I look back—which I do often these days—it’s just so different from the past few years. I’ve always been so driven, self-motivated, and eager to just do anything. I don’t feel like that now. I just don’t feel like doing anything. And now, now I’m worried. I’m worried because I don’t know what’s wrong.

Work has been mixed lately. I’m not able to find my groove, and I feel disturbed most of the time. Maybe in this case, a lot of the thoughts are quite reasonable. I have this constant feeling of unrest and anxiety about something going wrong. Being anxious isn’t always a bad thing, but lately, relaxation has been hard to come by. I feel like I’m running too fast and always in survival mode. Like the world is going to end the next moment, and I won’t be able to do anything about it.

My days have become a chore—especially going through the routine. I don’t remember the last time I was grateful to wake up and go through the day with peace. My golden after-office hours have now become a procrastination hell. I absolutely know what I should be reading, studying, building. But it takes a huge amount of effort and push to actually go do it. I know exactly what I need to finish that one project I’ve been working on for a long time. But every time I sit down, it ends up nowhere.

I haven’t talked about it yet, but I took a really big decision this month. I still can’t believe I did it. I don’t have a plan—heck, I did it for a break. I really want to go on a break, want to roam around a bit. But every time I start planning, the anxiety of what’s next kicks in. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find something next. Am I skilled enough? I’m aware of where I stand skill-wise, and that’s making me anxious. I keep reading about AI replacing people, and the constant noise from people saying how they don’t need us—it’s really making me sick.

There’s an unusual amount of responsibility on me. Well, I refuse to call it responsibility—it feels more like duty. Still, it’s a lot. It feels like I have springs attached to every side of me, and without any one of them, I’m going to be torn apart. It’s overwhelming at times and honestly difficult to keep up.

While this all may seem so negative and despicable, it’s what goes through my mind on a daily basis. Maybe I chose to go through this? I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been moments of joy in all of this. Weekends—and especially time with family—have helped a lot.

And maybe that’s what I need to hold on to. The little things that are still good. Not everything needs fixing right now. Some of it just needs space. Some of it needs quiet. Half of the year is gone.